Leitmotif

Reason as the Leading Motive

Archive for the ‘Left Behind Series’ Category

The Left Behind Series

Posted by Jerry on August 17, 2007

I have created a new Category page called the “Left Behind Series“–not to be confused with the hell-fire-and-brimstone preaching books of the same name–as a place to gather some of my posts that directly reflected upon my personal and emotional experiences during my last few days in the United States. Those days were perhaps the most depressing and emotionally demanding days of my entire life, because I was bracing myself to experience the loss of some of my most cherished and fundamental values–chiefly among them being the loss of my lover–over a long and protracted period of time.

I decided to resurrect these old posts now and place them in a new category for the following two reasons:

  • My friend with the big mouth reflected on how blogging is such a public activity that it’s hard to be truly initimate and frank with the things you say on it. This made me remember the times when I have indeed used my blog as a medium for some personal and intimate expression. I realize that as my blog becomes increasingly public, I might be losing the ability to use it for more personal and intimate needs.
  • In a conversation today with another close friend of mine, I remarked upon how I have often found real-life conversations with some people less than fulfilling when it comes to sharing a deep understanding of emotions. For this reason, I have used my blog in the past to express myself freely and immediately. Much of this expression is realized in the form of poetry, which by its esotetic nature lends some protection to my private moments. Moreover, looking back from a more confident and secure vantage point today at the mental state of utter despair reflected in those posts, I am reminded of how resilient human beings can be if they choose to; and how emotionally powerful we can be if we stay committed to our priorities and focused on a goal in mind; and how such phases of seemingly overwhelming despair can become just the fuel you need to climb the next great height.

Posted in General Work/Life, Left Behind Series, My Theories and Ideas, Personal, The Best of Leitmotif, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Blunt

Posted by Jerry on December 12, 2006

Toward the Sun

Gawd, I almost cry everytime I listen to James Blunt’s Goodbye My Lover.

I have never spoken of these things before–not on my blog at least. What makes me bring them up now, I’m not sure. Perhaps, the sense of finality is dawning on me, that my life has irreversibly moved on–and so have the lives of those who were once part of mine.

What hurts me the most–and it hurts to the core everytime I am reminded of it–is the utter absence not only of my lover next to me but also of the common world that we once shared between us. I cannot even visit the same restaurant we so loved to frequent and order a Thai iced tea and summon his thoughts as I sip alone in silence.

Even the bitter solace of seeking those places in heavy solitude is robbed from me. Even that moonlight is denied me–by the planetarium where we had sat late into the night. All I have are thoughts–memories–ghosts. I do not even have the physical reminders of a love once cherished–not the sunset under which we buried our tired spirits after a long day’s work, nor the sunrise that we so eagerly awaited after an all-night out; not the expansive view out the third-floor balcony on which we stood silently in each other’s arms, nor the flitting images outside our car window as we went on our many roadtrips.

I can’t even walk the streets you walk, or pass by your house and hope to catch a glimpse of you.

Indeed, I long to simply see “Hawaiian Waffles” on a restaurant menu again, or a Banana split sundae. But no, nothing. Absolutely nothing around me relents. And that is what hurts the most. I am not afraid that I might forget you. I am afraid that, under this unrelenting environment that demands that I leave my memories behind, I might never leave your soul.

*The picture above is not of James Blunt or from any of his albums. It’s a picture I took of the one who is the subject of this post.

Posted in General Work/Life, India, Left Behind Series, Love and Romance, Personal, The Best of Leitmotif | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Gethsemane

Posted by Jerry on March 31, 2006

The jolly-light jingles of TV commercials seem awfully contrived at this time. It’s trying woefully hard to generate cheer, but I only feel a very detached indifference to it; maybe not wholly detached, because I do ponder its efforts with a resigned, hopeless amusement. I look at what it’s trying to entice me with, and I search myself for what to offer in return; nothing comes.

The wind is bellowing its angst outside. Why is it so twisted in its torrent? What does it ask of me? Why is it so violent? I hear your pain, the anger in your gust. Stay calm.

It’s a staccato moment that has now so tragically manifest. I’m suspended above the blankness of the moment – between the richly textured past, and the fuzzy blur of the future.

It’s unbearably quiet inside my head. The sounds of this world does not seem to reach past the walls of my mind. Words like feelings, emotions like sounds, violent like restraint, they are all so loud, all urging to get out – but my mind is occupied in some quiet meditation:

I think of grass, and blades of grass, and beads of dew clinging on blades of grass, and that’s the form that my memories take – faceted, ephemeral, diaphanous.

I am only waiting now, for the imminence of the hours; for it do with me what it must. It’s a quiet Gethsemane in which I am patiently waiting; I’m utterly petrified. But I’m ready.

Posted in Culture, General Work/Life, Left Behind Series, My Poems, Personal, The Best of Leitmotif, Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

On the Fool’s Day

Posted by Jerry on March 25, 2006


Saturday, April 1 2006

AIR INDIA
Flight 126
17h 45m,
8037 miles

Makes 1 Stop

Chicago – Ohare Intl (ORD)
Chicago, IL
Departs: 6:00 PM
Saturday, April 1, 2006

To

Mumbai (Bombay) Intl (BOM)
Mumbai, India
Arrives: 11:15 PM
Sunday, April 2, 2006

Aircraft
Boeing 747-400 (Jet)

Posted in General Work/Life, India, Left Behind Series, Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Love, Me

Posted by Jerry on March 22, 2006

I can’t command your tears to stop flowing
I cannot demand that your soul stop weeping

I can only pretend to not see it
Or see past through them
And offer only
A stony silence in response

So that through your blurry vision
You only get to see the stoicism
I borrowed from the girders
Of this city I so love

Donning their cold facades
Their reticent heights of pride
Vicarious expressions are
All I permit myself before you

They stand proud for me
And I do the same for you
It’s the way they show the best that can be
And I offer all their best to you.

Love,
Me.

Posted in General Work/Life, Left Behind Series, My Poems, Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Nice Gathering

Posted by Jerry on March 10, 2006

So, the other day, some of my ex-co-workers and I gathered at Bennigan’s on Michigan Ave for a little evening together. It was a nice and totally fun evening. They were among the only people I got along with at work.

We laughed rambunctiously, and talked about all kinds of things… our conversations have known to range from female genital mutilation to Nazi co-workers to Elephantisis.

Anyway, it was a fun evening – worthy of keeping good memories to take with me.

Posted in General Work/Life, Left Behind Series, Personal, Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

The Fish

Posted by Jerry on March 7, 2006

The fish is wading into shallow waters, distantly feeling the impending sense of panic… it knows the net has been cast; it only waits to be tangled in its web. It cannot see a way out, nor does it have any hope that there might be one.
It slowly wades towards the sharp twines of the web. It ponders its tortured, writhing battle for survival as it will be taken out of the ocean in one swift and smooth motion.
It will be quiet, it knows, it cannot make a sound. But it’s body, it’s spirit will twist in pangs of anguish. It will gasp, and choke, and flap, and splatter, spilling its guts and its blood, gashing its flesh, battling for life again.
But for now, it only silently ponders the imminent.
It makes up its mind – to take one last and final gasp of the water it breathes – one large gulp of the freedom – before it dives into the last battle of its life.

Posted in General Work/Life, Left Behind Series, Personal, The Best of Leitmotif, Uncategorized | 12 Comments »

Jesus Had it Way Easier

Posted by Jerry on March 7, 2006

So, today was my last day on the job. I had to quit today, tie all the loose ends, complete pending projects, and clean out my desks before the end of the day. Actually, I ended up staying way later than everyone else. All day I had people coming over to my desk telling me how much they would miss me. All the managers gathered for lunch and sponsored a pizza and salad send-off party. I was very pleased and touched by their show of appreciation. I received a card with everyone’s little notes of support and appreciation. I received emails with some really sincere compliments.

Leaving work at the end of the day was really hard. Walking out of the tower, onto the cold, wide-open plaza, I was stepping into an epistemological unknown. It was disturbing and very disconcerting. I looked up at the buildings around me, I heard the blare of the NBC studio news station, I watched the street lights switch signals, and I felt such a deep sense of sadness. I will so intensely miss the evidence and spectacle of this human greatness all around me, of human achievement, of all the materialistic wonders that this city so proudly boasts.

As I walked, looking all around me, paying unusually keen attention to everything, I wanted to cry at some moments, but I couldn’t. So, I sang aloud instead. I sang and hummed my way as I walked – aloud; singing anything, just expressing my love for this life, for this city, for this country, and for everything I have experienced here.

As I climbed onto a bus, I stood by the door for a moment and watched it carefully as it closed automatically; for a moment I simply marveled at the ingeniousness of the mind that devised a technology that expresses its best functionality by the fact that it goes unnoticed most of the time. Machine and technology so smoothly and undisturbingly applied to the service of human life.

I am going to lose so much of what makes me me. A part of me will be lost after I leave America. The part of me that has a greed for freedom and independence. The part of me that has this passionate pursuit of my own happiness. The part of me that seeks to lose itself in the greatness of other minds and their ideas.

I will miss the witness of free and open speech expressed in the movies, music, books, politics, news reports, and media. I will miss the open challenge of ideas, the vigorous battle of opinions, the occasional triumph of truth, and the joy that all of that brings. I will miss the myriad of choices for anything and everything offered here, from books, cuisines, and restaurants to operas, ballets, theaters, and cultural events. I will miss the capitalist system of competition that allows for so many FREE provisions like free wireless internet, free concerts in the summer, free pulic parks with world-class acoustic technology.

All these are materialistic values. But they express the most treasured spiritual values of my life for me. They embody the most fundamental ideological values that make all the rest possible. Soon, I will be deprived of the material and the spiritual.

I am facing a sacrifice of the spirit, of the mind, of my soul – far worse than anything Jesus had to endure. He, assuming he was God and all, WANTED to be crucified. It was part of his divine plan. He wanted to die for us, and so he did. Hardly a sacrifice if what he got in return (the souls of the world) was a far better deal than what he had to give up – his temporary physicality.. Besides, clearly, being that he was God, he obviously had to merely play “mock death” – and then rise up again 3 days later. Only his corporeal façade was crucified, not his divine spirit.

I am a full and complete human being. I DO NOT want to die – especially not a decaying death of the spirit. I experience real pain, real loss, real grief, that won’t disappear in some radiant resurrection three days later. I would like to not be crucified; I wish to have no plans of sacrificing myself. Nonetheless, the sacrifice of my spiritual values that is being demanded from me is a true sacrifice because I’m getting shit in return. My spiritual values will be taken away, and along with it will also go all my physical, emotional, romantic, and material values. What I will get in return is a loss of direction, lack of self-autonomy, and an environment of coercive ideological repression. I do not want this, and yet I have to face it. Mine is truly a higher sacrifice.

Posted in Culture, General Work/Life, Left Behind Series, Personal, The Best of Leitmotif, Uncategorized | 5 Comments »

 
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