Homosexuality and its Discontents
Posted by Jerry on June 18, 2012
It is not far from the truth to complain that “most gay men want nothing more than casual sex.” Often one hears this refrain from older guys who perceive an alarming level of apparent promiscuity among the younger ones; one hears this also from young boys who seem to come manufactured with a built-in “monogamously coupled” disposition. They can’t fathom the idea of having sexual encounters that mean nothing more.
Then, there are those who are themselves struggling with frequent sexual urges, of which they are ashamed and want suppressed because of the stigma associated with multiple sexual encounters and the glorification of sexual monogamy.
So, in the midst of all these discontents, how does a homosexual find “everlasting romance”!? How does one manage to nurture a healthy, respectful, and loving relationship with another gay man, when apparently, “most gay men want nothing more than casual sex”?
Can there be such a thing as a truly loving relationship between gay men?
Now, I have a two-part reply to this:
First: All good things are rare; like diamonds, gold, or money, so is the case with people (or men) of good values and character. All valuable things come in small, scarce supply.
So yes, due to the nature of this reality, one is more likely to encounter a whole bunch of less-than-ideal options in men before finding the right kind of man who can also respond to you similarly. This is arduous, time-consuming, and a includes a bit of chance, but you can trick the game and increase your chances of finding the “right” kind of man: For example, by surrounding yourself with friends and acquaintances with similar interests; by joining clubs, memberships, or activities that are more likely to be populated by the kind of people you would like; by becoming more visible in your achievements and productivity so that your net is cast far and wide and more people hear about you, etc.
So, it’s a combination of strategy and luck–but more strategy than luck. It still requires you to have all the necessary values and virtues and personality and style of character and appearance in place before you go out seeking for people you can love, and who can love you in return.
So, in short, yes, most gay men–like the larger population in which we all reside–is for the most part uninteresting and mundane. You’ll just have to keep digging deeper, looking harder, seeking farther. You may not encounter your ideal partners 100 times a day–heck, may be not even once a day!
Second: Men like sex! This is a basic truth about our species. The male species enjoy and seek sex far more often than the female species. In the straight world, the female’s general lack of interest in pure sexual pursuits manages to balance out the male’s ability and frequency to have more sex.
However, in the gay community, there is no such counter-foil. Hence, it is easier for men to have and enjoy more sex if they are gay. The power of our hormones and physiology can be overwhelming–even when it involves romances and promises of fidelity.
So, don’t try to fight this fact of reality. Accept this fact and work out ways in which you can manage this reality in your relationships.
By this I mean, if you find yourself in a beautiful, loving, emotionally fulfilling and wholesome relationship, don’t destroy it or let go of it only because you find that you are unable to accept their need to have a momentarily fleeting sexual encounter with someone else, or their need to be in a sexually open (but emotionally closed) relationship–or only because you were unable to forgive him for that one time when he confessed to giving in to his sexual urges.
Accepting that men are built differently than women and that men face different pressures than women will help you verbally negotiate the terms and conditions of fidelity in your relationship. What constitutes cheating? What constitutes love? What are the necessary ingredients of romance in a gay relationship? And more.
The answer to the questions need not resemble the answers that conventional straight communities provide.
Finally, the basic theme of all what I said above is the “acceptance of reality as is–wholly.” The reality of the self (who we are and who we aspire to be)–and the reality of the world we live in (how men are, how gay men are, how most people are, etc.).