Leitmotif

Reason as the Leading Motive

Being Gay in India

Posted by Jerry on August 31, 2007

Having lived in India now as an openly gay man for more than a year, I have some interesting observations to report:

Most gay men I meet like to say that they are–”not gay. I’m bi.”

[uh-huh, sure honey.] “Have you ever had sex with a girl?”

“No”

“With a guy?”

“Yes.”

Hmm…..

There is a fairly dominant belief among Indian gay men that one is not born gay but is initiated into “gayhood.” I am amazed by how often my conversations with the gay men I meet in person or online go somewhat along these lines:

“So, how long have you been in this line?”

“What line?”

“This! Gay line!”

“Oh, you mean how long have I been gay?”

“Yea yea.”

“Since I was born.” — This answer noticeably disappoints them. So, I continue: 

“Since as far back as I can remember, I remember having an intense attraction to another boy in my second grade class, so much so that I remember writing down in the last page of my notebook “I love you, [name].”

“Oh my, so early! How is that possible? I just become gay [one/two/three] years ago!”

“Maybe you became fully aware that you are gay only just a few years ago. Perhaps, you may have had that implicit attraction for the same sex all your life; you may have always found boys attractive but never thought much of it.”

“No. I was always attracted to girls. I still like girls.”

“Oh, so you’re bi?”

— and then the conversation goes back to how I described it above.

Most of the gay men I meet here are amazingly adept at hiding their gayness (or, most straight Indian men are incredibly androgynous). One would be hard pressed to identify a gay man in a crowd of men; and the fact that Indian men in general are rather fussy about their appearance, visit their salons for facials and manicures regularly, and dress in the most fashionably form-fitting clothes they can afford, makes the task of identifying gay men here that much harder. Therefore, I am often surprised when I meet a gay man here; often, the first thing that strikes me upon seeing one is “You’re gay!? I wouldn’t have guessed!”

Many gay men are married; and I do not ever care to meet them. The ones I do meet are not worth my time. They are psycho-sexually immature and largely non-introspective. Most of them are still in the closet and actively deny their sexuality by having and flaunting girlfriends.

Gay men in India have little to no resource to healthy ideas about gay sexuality, psychological maturity, and shrugging off feelings of guilt or moral depravity. Also, many of them holding strong religious tendencies does not help the matter.

Homosexuality is legally a crime in India, which creates further psychological, social, and existential barriers to coming out of the closet–indeed, it is positively life-threatening to be an openly gay man in India: the only most widely known gay-interest website in India keeps track of attacks and harassment of gay men by the Indian police and gang members who exploit the fear of being “outed” in the Indian society.

In general, gay men in India are often intellectually and emotionally immature, which often reflects in the kinds of relationships they enter into and endure. Relationships here are fickle, impetuous, and short-lived. Since talking about sexuality in general is still taboo, homosexual issues are rarely ever brought up in discussions–either in the privacy and security of one’s own home with one’s family or on the public debate shows on news channels. In other words, gay men in India are left to fend for themselves and have to learn the relevant psycho-sexual and physical issues on their own. Hence, beyond just the misinformation of all sorts that pervades the Indian gay community, few gay men have a healthy assessment of their own psycho-sexual and moral worth, which means their level of self-esteem is usually very harmfully low.

The constant monitoring of their personal behavior and the persistant filtering of their mannerisms until the point where it ceases to be conscious and becomes a habit indicate a distorted self-image; some grow up with an internalized malevolence towards the society that forces them to hide under a facade. This malevolence over time gets rationalized into a sense of justified sacrifice for the sake of sparing themselves, their wives, and their families the shame of coming out as being gay.

What does all this mean for me?

I have yet to encounter a gay man in India who can even mildly captivate my interest. The slightly more interesting and psychologically healthier ones are mostly expats who don’t intend to stay in this country for too long. Further, being that I am an Objectivist–which means that I hold strong, radical, and unyeildingly rational principles with an intense passion–and an atheist, the likelihood of me finding a partner who can be my intellectual companion as well as be worthy of being “my highest value and the object of my passionate worship” is most certainly non-existant.

Addendum

I wanted to add:

Most gays in India adopt either one of the following ways of living–
1) Live in the closet all their lives, marry, have kids, and engage in discreet sexcapades with other men
2) Come out of the closet and caricature themselves along the most extreme of homosexual traits such that they come to be perceived as a social freak, which distracts society from the essence of their sexual identity and focuses attention on their jarring persona and loud behavior.

Both practices are attempts to ensure the safety of one’s life and dignity. Those adopting the second approach hope to create such a barrier of “foreigness” or freakishness about them that society will rather choose to ignore them entirely (through ostracism) than bother to be associated with them at all. The manner of protecting one’s dignity in the second approach is by donning on a whole new persona that is superficial and hence acts as a sheild to the true emotional core of such gay men, where their bruised sense of self-esteem is guardedly nursed.

Finally, the extreme freakishness of those adopting the second approach also affords society with a benign target of jokes and derision, thus allowing society to perceive no sense of threat to their morality or beliefs from the reality of homosexual men in India.

The ones who choose neither of the above paths are relatively very few.

[For a related post, see Dissecting the Gay Indian Male.]

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62 Responses to “Being Gay in India”

  1. antiutopia said

    It’s interesting to see how that situation is similar to what goes in Iran. well, with the exception that if they openly acknowledge being gay they risk their life here.
    But i have known gay friends and i must admit, not only they themselves are a little bit “intellectually and emotionally immature” but the society around them too is not ready to accept them.
    i feel like the whole concept of “gayness” has turned into an act of revolution against the society here in Iran… instead of being a natural sexual tendency.
    And that’s a real problem, it has turned into a tool, a way to go against the current … here it has turned into all that it is not!

  2. antiutopia said

    i wish Iranians would (and could) discuss it as openly and as frankly as you guys… Bravo!

  3. satyajit said

    My earliest memory of gays was coutesy Ashok Row Kavi, may be the most well-known of ’em in India..i remember he was described as a “gay activist” in the papers..there was a huge hue and cry then over his calling Gandhi a “bastard bania.”

    And then there was Philadelphia…However, I haven’t interacted with any gays, leave alone having any gay friends..But now i know you

  4. Ergo said

    Antiutopia,

    Good points: A big reason why gays in India are psychologically unhealthy is because of the society around them. However, I’m also firmly believe that man is a self-made being, of self-made soul. I do think that once a person gets that initial spark flamed up (by a teacher or a book one has read, for example), or that first hint of light, that first witness of greatness in a role model, then it becomes very possible and incumbent upon the person to climb out of the allegorical cave and get on the path of discovery.

    When you say that being gay has turned into a tool, I assume you are referring to the emergence of the political “gay agenda”; and again, I agree with you there. Homosexuality is becoming a reason for demanding a whole asortment of new “rights” and special treatment like the feminist movement did. In the social realm, homosexuality can become a rebellious fashion statement like being a goth or anarchist might be. These are all perversions of individualism and expressions of second-handedness.

    Satyajit,
    Ashok Kavi is perhaps the most prominent gay man in India. I commend him for the things he has done, to the extent of what I know about him. Philadelphia was good. Brokeback Mountain is superbly amazing! It’s played on HBO several times here–although highly censored, so much so that if you didn’t already know that the lead characters are gay lovers, you would have no clue what the heck is going on in the movie! 🙂 But ya, I love the movie, and when I first watched it, I was so inspired to write a poem on it. It’s titled “nature’s song” and you can find it my poems category.

  5. Charlotte said

    The gay LINE!

    You CANNOT be serious!!! hahahahahahaha! 😀

  6. Charlotte said

    It’s like “industry”—How long have you been in the fashion line? or “I’d like to enter the publishing line.

    I cant believe you’ve been asked that! Ohhh jesus! hahaha! ::wipes tear from eye::

    Seriously though, I can totally feel your pain.

  7. Ergo said

    I wanted to add:

    Most gays in India adopt either one of the following ways of living–
    1) Live in the closet all their lives, marry, have kids, and engage in discreet sexcapades with other men
    2) Come out of the closet and caricature themselves along the most extreme of homosexual traits such that they come to be perceived as a social freak, which distracts society from the essence of their sexual identity and focuses attention on their jarring persona and loud behavior.

    Both practices are attempts to ensure the safety of one’s life and dignity. Those adopting the second approach hope to create such a barrier of “foreigness” or freakishness about them that society will rather choose to ignore them entirely (through ostracism) than bother to be associated with them at all. The manner of protecting one’s dignity in the second approach is by donning on a whole new persona that is superficial and hence acts as a sheild to the true emotional core of such gay men, where their bruised sense of self-esteem is guardedly nursed.

    Finally, the extreme freakishness of those adopting the second approach also affords society with a benign target of jokes and derision, thus allowing society to perceive no sense of threat to their morality or beliefs from the reality of homosexual men in India.

  8. Its very difficult for people to accept that you are gay in India. Its the culture thats the overwhelming factor out here.

  9. Rohan Manohar said

    This is my first posting on this blog so let me introduce myself. My name is Rohan, and I came to hear of the blog through Edgar, a friend of Jerry’s. I read some of the postings, and one article in particular that struck me was “Altruism and Homosexuality” that Jerry had written sometime in February. Something about the article bothered me, though I could not put my figure on what exactly did. After many re-reads, I came to the conclusion that Jerry’s prediction of his mother’s reaction and his argument of altruism bothered me the most.
    Before I continue and in order to make my argument seem that much more valid, let me expound my situation. I am from Bombay –born and raised. I came to the US to pursue a Bachelor’s degree in 2002, following which I began a PhD in 2006. I came out at the end of 2002, to my sister in 2006, and just recently to my parents when I came back for a visit. I am Catholic. My parents are both religious. My mother is in every form of the word, staunchly Catholic. My dad raised a Hindu, is more of the spiritual kind. I’d talked to each of them on previous occasions about my being gay. My dad’s response was lukewarm. My mother’s response was downright negative: “Gays go to Hell; they spread AIDS”, “I’d be very disappointed” and so on. Needless to say, I was terrified to come out to them-hence the 5 year delay. My initial plan this summer had been to come out to my dad first and then to my mother. It failed brilliantly. I was too scared, or didn’t have time, or didn’t want to hurt them. I rationalized my excuses in my head enough to make me genuinely wonder if I’d return the US closeted. One night at dinner, my mother mentioned a friend, with whom I’d had a phone conversation earlier that day. I’d told her about Parmesh (who also works in Bombay), his job, and his boyfriend. She then at dinner, asked me why I had so many gay friends and if I was gay. After a few non-committal responses, I answered her.
    In retrospect, coming out was one of my more fabulous experiences. Yes, my mother said that she thought she was going to die, and that there was distance between us, and that she didn’t think I was her son. But my dad surprisingly enough, took my side. He said that he’d had suspicions regarding my sexuality. He explained a lot of things to my mother: gay = AIDS (not true), gay men are wildly libidinous and promiscuous (not true), bible says gay is wrong (well true, but the bible says a lot of other things -Leviticus also forbids wearing blended fabric, touching the skin of a pig, mold and planting two different crops in the same field). While my dad did a lot of talking for me, I did most of the really important talking, I think. I’ve always known that I was different/gay/liked boys (whichever definition works). Once I came out, I’ve always been completely open about it. I’ve lived my life as my parents raised me to; in a way that they would be proud of -my academic, social and personal achievements, all encompassing. Most importantly, I have become closer to God after I came out. I told them all that. And it touched a chord, especially with my mother. That said though she has not even begun to accept it. She told me that she’d rather I was alone for the rest of my life (like a priest would?) than act on my feelings. Till today, she tells me that she’s praying for a Miracle and that I should be open to the changes that God can affect; that I’m a borderline gay, who can be “changed” and so on. My dad too did say that he’d prefer it if I were not gay, and that he doesn’t think that I should have children. Well let’s be honest, every parent will find it difficult to accept the fact that their child is gay. More importantly however, they were both glad that I had told them. My dad said that he was proud of me for it, and that I was open about it. They both said that I was still their son and that they did and always would love me. Most importantly, they both agreed that I should not have waited so long to tell them. They expected my trust and were hurt that I felt that I had to safeguard my own interests (financial etc) first, before telling them.
    I am lucky. I have my parents’ love and their respect. However, the situation goes beyond luck. To say that I had the same fears as Jerry would be an understatement. I don’t know whether my mother would have committed suicide, but I do know that she is emotionally fragile. She had breast cancer 6 year ago and recently two of her closest friends died from it. The specter of that experience has never quite left her. Furthermore she retired this year, which sparked unforeseen insecurities in her. All of this if anything has made her cling to her faith even harder. Given that and her generally histrionic personality, her reaction was largely positive. She didn’t throw fits. She didn’t start to cry. And if anything, her constant prayers are because she loves me. She’s doing what she thinks is best for me. I do not know if my mother will ever come to accept me for who I am, or for that matter, my future husband and my children. And when she consistently tells me that she’s praying for me, praying for a change, it does hurt. But any form of acceptance takes time, and I am willing to give her the time to get used to this.
    The reason for why I think my coming out went well, apart from a relatively subdued reaction from my mother, was because I did it on my own terms, and I was completely open. I was not defensive and I didn’t hide or lie to my parents. I bared my soul, expecting to be hurt, only to realize that it doing so, it made me stronger, and made my parents realize that I was being honest and real by telling them. I think by coming out to them, I finally came out to myself, in the process eradicating most of the “internalized malevolence” (that Jerry talked about—posting 31st August 2007) that we as gay Indian men have. This leads me to Jerry’s other argument considering Altruism.
    If the argument regarding “internalized malevolence” is true, and I think it is then the problem with coming out and the like, is not from without but from within. As Indian people, we find it difficult to look inside ourselves at our sexualities, and see beauty, or find pride. At best, if we do accept it, we do so because we have to, not because we would not have it any other way. This is also true in a way for a dark person growing up battling Indian prejudices against dark skin, or a black man growing up in the American South battling racial prejudices, or a woman in the work place battling gender prejudices. In short, we are similar to other minorities (quite obviously). The difference with us, especially as a gay Indian people, is a lack of community, of safe place where we can establish self-identity. Since few of us have legitimate, mainstream communities to call our own, we find self-acceptance and love that much more difficult. This in turn, further fuels our own insecurities, for example, making us over-dramatize coming out to our parents. I can’t argue with Jerry’ opinion of his mother’s reaction when he comes out to her; she is his mother and that is his family. He knows them best. However, I do think that some of that fear is his own instead what she would think and feel. It is a function of the “internalized malevolence”.
    Lastly, I heartily disagree with the notion that one would be altruistic by “sacrificing their lives for their parents”. I think that that is if anything, selfish. I think the altruistic act would be allowing your parents to share in something beautiful that is such an integral part of you. To get married for one’s parents’ sake, would be to disguise a version of cowardice as “altruism”. Call me an idealist, a romantic and a fool, but if love, as our Bollywood movies proclaim, is such a beautiful thing, then wouldn’t the love that we have for our husbands/boyfriends/significant others be something worth sharing? Many who read this will argue that I can afford to say all this because coming out to my parents went well. I am well aware of that, and I have already said that I am lucky. But all of the self-acceptance and self-pride that I have achieved has been a difficult, uphill struggle for me, most especially since there were so few Indian men I knew who were out. And what I have achieved is my own –something enforced but not wrought by my parents’ acceptance.
    I will not encourage other people to come out. I believe that that is a decision each person must make for himself or herself in his or her own way and time. However, hiding behind the veil of altruism if anything, perpetuates homophobia. We need to feel a sense of pride in ourselves, feel love for ourselves, in who we are and who we love. Only then can we truly come out to the world, our families, and ourselves. Only then can be achieve tolerance and acceptance.

    • Christopher said

      Rohan, that is quite a story. I can only imagine some of it, and while my dad wasn’t very pleased about it, my mother more or less already knew, and she was on my side. I’m really glad. Str8 folks can be well-intentioned, but they have no idea how hard it can be to grow up knowing you’re different, and wondering if anybody else feels the same way as you do. I’m glad I don’t HAVE to hide anymore… for the most part.; but I am so torn up by how I feel about a fellow student. He’s from Chennai, and only recently considered staying in the US after graduation. He’s so friendly, impossibly gorgeous, and so kind to me. I shiver whenever he touches me, whenever our eyes meet, I’m afraid our gazes linger too long. I’m inherently shy, but have largely gotten over that, except with him. I don’t want to wreck a friendship, but whenever I see him, I swear my heart beats faster. His skin, his hair, his eyes, those lashes, the bright smile (ultra white teeth surrounded by such kissable lips). And he just keeps smiling! Yesterday, he wished me Happy Birthday, and had gotten me a gift, even though I never told anyone when my birthday was; I love Dolce & Gabbana, but would much have preferred a kiss. I may never understand Indian guys, but I feel like I love my classmate, and I’m not sure a Platonic thing will suffice! It’s driving me crazy!!!

      • MIchael said

        I was really grateful to read your peice. I have been looking everywhere to find someone who would understand my situation.

        I too have been struggling with similar emotions for an indian co-worker. This would never have happened before we met. He is a fasinating and a captiviting man, one that I know we both share a special sense of needing to be together on some levels. He is absolutely good looking and truly friendly. We have known each other 8 years and are good friends at work. Even though we have not discussed it I know that he has been informed by others that I am gay. He goes out of his way to talk with me, have lunch with me, share rides to meetings, etc. We both find ourselves seeking each other out to work on projects together. We respect each other professional and agree on our professional goals. He has gotten married since we started work together, but has not talked with me as much as you would expect from a good friend about their relationship. It was not completely an arranged marriage, but it was done with pressure to marry (he was in his early 30s at the time he married) I do get to see his wife at dinner or birthday parties, but when he and I make plans for lunch, lets say, his wife would never be included unless I suggest inviting her even though see works a few blocks away. I find that really perplexing. I sense (or at least want to) that even though he might be happy in fulfilling his families expectations of a wife and family, he is not completely happy. All of his family remain in India and he sees them every other year. I know that our friendship is different from any other friendship he has with other workers.

        We seem to continue with this friendship in the same way. Sometimes we both find ourselves spending too much time together and have to back things off for a few weeks. I too feel that eye contact is often longer than normal and there is a pause from both of us once a conversation has ended before moving back to our own offices to continue work.

        I am thrilled with the relationship we have and would not jepoardize it in any way. However, I would like things to progress between us if he also wanted that. I think I would not have a problem with him continuing to live his closeted life, since I understand the family pressures he is under. I do not feel that I could make any further moves for fear that I could be misreading signals, and could lose everything we have created so far. His friendship means the world to me. And because we are friends and work together I would think that if he was straight he would be more concerned about how our other coworkers perceive his orientation because we do spend so much time together. He either is self confident about his straightness that he does not worry about how others perceive his orientation or he is curious enough about me that he does not care what they think. He is the only person over the last 8 years that I find remotely interesting and boyfriend material. My feelings about him are driving me crazy!

        Maybe we could write each other about our situations. I would like that.

  10. Ergo said

    Rohan,

    I’m certain that you are not familiar with my use of the concepts of altruism, morality, and selfishness. That’s okay. But because of this, your critique of my analysis of altruistic behavior in the context of homosexuality in India misses the point.

    In any case, I just wanted to highlight one sentence from your comment to illustrate how our familial backgrounds are worlds apart:

    “My mother is in every form of the word, staunchly Catholic. My dad raised a Hindu, is more of the spiritual kind.”

    Your catholic mother married a hindu man. Our families–and their reactions–cannot be compared equally.

    • Christopher said

      Dear Ergo,
      I won’t intrude or convolute your position, but I would like to say that you’re right to say that it’s difficult (perhaps impossible) to make any qualitative comparison between parents of different religions. For example, mine are Cathloic and Protestant, and while I recall some banter over “how to raise the kids”, my brother and I weren’t that into church to begin with, and the solution ended up being… BRUNCH!!! Would that work for everybody? Certainly not, but I digress; we as people are influenced from without and within.
      I happen to believe that most if not all gay men were born as such; there’s no sin therein, it’s just who I am, and being gay does not automatically make me a bad person, any more than any other inalterable characteristic might, but surely you concede that many cultures place an unfair stigma on being gay. With regard to the friend to whom I had referred, I’m just wondering about some mixed signals I get, and since I’m not that well versed in Indian culture, asked some open and honest folks here. I think that he might have some feelings for me too, and I was hoping for some advice on how to inquire without being too crass or forward.
      Anyway, my point is that while you’re correct that they cannot be evaluated equally, might it still be possible to evaluate them equitably? We all have parents, we all had no choice but to listen to them, and hopefully they all had the best intentions for us, but isn’t it what we do with that instruction and how we choose to live our lives, that makes us who we are today? Best always…

  11. Ergo said

    Amit,

    This is not a dating or personals site. Hence, I am deleting your comment.

  12. Myrhaf said

    If India wants to boast it is “the world’s largest democracy,” implying that it is the world’s largest free country, it should legalize homosexuality and join the rest of civilization. Is there a political movement active in India to change this unjust law?

  13. Ergo said

    There were several plaintiffs who moved the courts on the issue of legalizing homosexuality; all of them have been squashed. I blogged about one of the court’s rationale for the decision: “We are not ready yet.” The society is not ready to honor the legitimate rights all of humans equally. This, not surprisingly, is a logical expression of democracy at work.

  14. Vishal said

    I found the piece extremely accurate and relatable. I’ve been out to my closest friends for about 6 months now and it’s almost as though someone has peeped into my mind and put my thoughts in words.

  15. Accepting homosexuality in various countries can definitely be a difficult and long road, as in any country. It takes time, and each “society” has it’s own pace and sequence of events and people that influence the big picture and acceptance of homosexuality.

  16. Rish said

    This is a good piece of writing. Though I do think differently on some of the last comments you make. Yes, Gay people are divided into the two broad patterns that you have mentioned – but the others who fit into neither of the two are not ‘relatively few’ – there are quite a few people out there who are absolutely comfortable with who and what they are…though they are ‘not’ the norm, they are not in a slight minority.

    Besides, I have never thought of the attitude of the second as ‘freakish’, but it is just another gamut of the whole spectrum of what being gay is all about. We all have our mindsets when it comes to human behaviour, and being gay, I feel, we should respect whatever that is different, if not go ahead and try and understand it, if not within the entire gamut of sexuality then certainly within our own.

  17. Orville said

    I have a question, how do gay Indian men meet for social functions or just to talk? Are there websites or social networks available for young gay Indian men? I imagine, people that have access to the internet? Are there websites in Hindi for gay Indian men that want to make friends?

  18. Orville said

    I think some gay Indian men are in the closet because of social pressure from the public sphere. I am guessing, it would be difficult for these men to negotiate being gay with their culture. Also, remember homosexuality is still a controversial issue in many cultures across the globe. I personally don’t agree with men that live on the down low and marry women or have girlfriends on the side. I do understand, the intense social pressure these men must be under from their families, from friends, and even themselves.

  19. Ergo said

    Rish,

    Good to see you here. The “freakish” label for the second type of gay men was from the perspective of heterosexual (or closet-homosexual) Indian society. It is to *them* that the second type of men are so freakish that they become harmless and benign targets of derision.

    The way I analyze this is as such: the more “normal” (in heterosexual terms) a homosexual man appears to be, the more of a challenge this poses to the Indian society to deal with: it is much easier to look at something different *as* something different; it is much more difficult to be faced with something different that is not perceptibly or obviously different but appears normal: it challenges one’s own notions of normality, and therefore, is rather disorienting. This is because it does not permit the person to make easy in-group/out-group categories of “he’s one of us” or “he’s a wierdo and different.”

    Orville,

    Since homosexual activity is illegal in India, there are no explicitly gay social establishments like clubs, pubs, or bars. However, there are a few online resources of/for gay Indian men, which provide the desired opportunities for meeting, socializing, partying, and/or networking. A simple Internet search will reveal the sites to you. Most of the off-line establishments in India operate under various guises of social services and are not explicitly gay-oriented, although their “clientele” is predominantly homosexual–such as organizations providing counseling and support for sex workers, safer-sex advocates, and STD clinics.

  20. rito said

    by “freakish” do you men drag queens and transvestites?i happen to be a transvestite and yes i admit i DO enjoy the attention i get-specially from straight men.however i strongly believe that homosexuals vary in their degree of femininity.homosexuals can be broadly classified into the “butch” and the “femmes” depending on their level of masculinity or femininity, as u wish.obviously the feminine variety stick out more as in a typically male dominated gender orientated society like ours they transgress accepted codes of gender behaviour, specially conventional male behaviour patterns.i dont think the ulterior motive is to purposely stereotype homosexuals or make a mockery of our subculture-it just so happens that people in our society arent conscious and intelligent enough to understand the complicated and diverse nature of human sexuality, specially homosexuality.if you must blame someone blame the ignorant heterosexuals that laugh at us and endorse the “cliche” surrounding homosexuals.

  21. Upandhi said

    Interesting discussion. Things are quite different today from how they were in the past, thanks to the Internet. Any self-aware gay or bi person in the past who was afraid to come out, had to suffer in solitude and often faced moments of intense desperation. Now anyone is able to “connect” with others online thus no longer having to experience those most difficult moments of isolation and abandonment. Whether to come-out or not has become a less important question, as the most important benefit of coming out in the past was to escape the trap of desperate isolation. Online buddies, as transient as they may be, still provide a meaningful outlet to the individual to know that he is not alone.

    There are more options now than the two presented by Ergo as to how the gay or bi man can comfortably manage his sexual identity. The only reason now why a man in India might still need to come out in the traditional sense is to stave off the efforts of relatives to secure a marriage partner. While this is still a critical issue, it is at least decoupled from the sense of absolute loneliness that such men had to suffer in the past. In dealing with the pressures to marry, one might again find some measure of solace and advice from the connections one makes online; and there is always the solace in knowing that one is not alone in facing these pressures.

    Now the level of desperation for the gay man being forced into marriage by his parents will not be that much greater than the angst experienced by the heterosexual man likewise being pushed to take a mate not of his choosing.

    I’d like to go off on a bit of a tangent and share an interesting anecdote that leaves me somewhat baffled. It is from the life of my own partner who is an Indian man (I am American). I will relate this tale as briefly as I can. My partner’s father is gay (or bi) and it is very much a case of like father, like son. Father–a migrant worker out of the village and into Mumbai. There he falls into a long-lasting relationship with a man of higher stature. Son–a migrant worker out of the village and into Dubai. There he falls into a long-lasting relationship with a man of higher stature (me). The parallels are uncanny. The father, of course, is married and lives apart from his family. This, it would seem, is key to allowing the homosexual relationship to prosper. But in time the family finds out. The sons who have later joined the father in Mumbai are the first to find out, and so too eventually do the wife, family and neighbors in the village. Yet somehow–and this is the most baffling part–everyone goes on as normal. Although what has happened is known by all and even continues–the father’s partner sometimes visits from Mumbai–it is as though it exists not in reality but in a twilight zone.

    The son, following in his father’s footsteps, seems to be having an easier time of it as, I suppose, the precedent has already been set. His wife and others in the village may not yet know (but then again they may). His brother, who is a friend to me and here in the UAE as well, clearly knows although no words have ever been spoken about it. It seems almost as inevitable as fate that not only will the story of the son continue to unfold as that of the father, but I would predict that it will continue to play out in a third generation, as my partner’s own sons seem likely to in time become migrant workers themselves. One of them, I imagine, will be sure to find a man who loves him and likewise makes him a life-long companion.

  22. Bicky said

    Bicky says,15 july,2008,
    I m a gay,and i will live my life on my own way that i wanted to….

  23. tintglass said

    There is a lot of truth in what you say. However I do not believe that people are born gay.. Just like the Kinsey scale there is a bisexual in all of us, it is just that some people are just a little less or more than the other. But I totally agree with you regarding the immaturity aspect. It has the do with the way people have been socialised. It is awful but it has made the life a gay person all the more difficult as there is such a low prospect of enjoying a long term caring and loving relationship.

  24. Ron said

    This posting is for Bicky and for all the Indians who always use ‘gay’ as a noun, like ‘I am a gay’ as opposed to ‘I am gay’. It is almost like saying ‘I am a boy’ or ‘I am a girl’. Being gay is not connected to a gender. It is just your sexual orientation. This confusion highlights the greater confusion and ignorance that most Indian people have towards homosexuality in general.

  25. Upandhi said

    Very perceptive, Ron. The I’m “a” gay, spoken by some, seem a way of saying I’m “a malformed human being” neither male nor female. But it isn’t this at all. As you say, it is not a gender thing. It is an orientation linked more to emotional, psychological, personality issues than physical. I’m not saying by emotional or psychological that it is a choice, but that it has little or nothing to do with the shape and function of body parts.

  26. Prakash said

    Hi Everyone,

    I read the post and have to say that I completely agree on the so called typical gay Indian lifestyle. But I for one have “some” gay friends who do not fit into this category and are matured enough to stand up for themselves and for their loved ones. Things have been shifting very slowly these days and I have met a few gay men in India who are at least willing to step away from marrying a girl because they do not want to ruin another human being’s life. I believe that this is a very good and strong step towards men beginning to stand up and come out eventually. But then again, the idea of coming out might be different for each individual. For me, as long as a person can accept themselves to be gay, then that alone is an achievement. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve decided not to get married to a girl and if I find the right person then I’ll share my life with them…and even get married (of course in a country where it is possible legally..and I do believe in God and have a very strong faith and never let my faith and sexuality collide…why should they? My faith makes me a moral and good human being and my sexuality is what Iam. If God is going to punish me for having born gay, then I’m more than willing to wait until that day comes…for I know God is Love and if that is true, then I’ve got nothing to fear. I’m out to most of my friends and they’re fine with it. Couple of my friends had a problem with it because they have their own issues about their sexuality. I do agree that very few gay men are worth even a good conversation. Most of them are what exactly has been said in the post. Gay men in India have a very convenient way of justifying and living with their decisions and closeted lives…but not for long…I’ve seen families ruined and lives lost because people are not honest to themselves even. It’s time for the Indian gay men to wake up and look around….and most of all look inside!!!

  27. Nitin said

    Hi everyone,
    I am in a gay relationship for about 3 yrs now, I am 29 and I am very happy abroad ue to my studies. My partner has been with me always since we meet. Now its time to return back to India, and even if I have the choice to stay abroad, there are responsibilities back home for both of us.
    I dont want to be selfish by asking him to stay with me always as for his parents have a big social circle and they will not accept him, even if they are ok with it, they will not like to tell their friends that their son is gay.
    So now either we sacrifice living together and taking care of our families that need us, or be bad sons and leave them alone.
    I have gone through many situations that can happen when we return to India. But I just cannot decide what is the best decision.
    I just hope that like our generation our older generations become ok about gay men and women.
    I have so many straight friends in India that were happy to know I am gay and they didn’d change a bit.
    It was not easy to find a gay partner in India with many people liing dual life, and you are never sure if they are straight in the light of day.
    I am proud to be gay and I want to return to India as I miss it.
    I hope this story has a good end.

  28. Upandhi said

    You seem afraid to make a tough choice. You seem inclined toward the easy solution–to go back and suppress your gay identity. I think true growth and maturity comes when one is willing to take the path less traveled. Don’t let your parents’ lives dictate yours. Chart your own path.

  29. Ashok said

    Hi everyone,

    Everyone is different, have different ways of thinking, respecting the culture they are born and care for their parents. Being gay is always a challenge we have to live rest of our lives. My life has come to a phase where it is so hard for me to make decisions. I am Indian but came to UK three years ago. I had a four years relation with guy in India when I was in university. But as most of the Indian gay stories end, mine was no different. He got married. It really hurts when someone you love leaves you. But I managed to get over it. Took long still I get him in my dreams even though its been 8 years since we last met. Then after struggling a lot for my career in India dealing with my sexuality as well because no one would have understand the phase I was passing through I decided to come to UK and make a fresh start to my life. I met few gay men here and expressed my sexuality. I was quite relieved and happy that my life is taking me to the right way. I secured a good job here (UK). Found a nice guy with whom I lived for 2 years. My parents kept forcing me all the time to get married as I am the only child. Last year when I went to India for holiday, my parents already decided to bind me up in the arranged marriage. They forced me to choose one of the girls for marriage. I said “no” and wanted a free life. Then all of the family members gathered in the house about 14 of them and kept pestering me for marriage for 2 days. I reluctantly said “yes” and the happiness on my parents and my relatives’ faces were to die for. I have never seen anyone so happy in my life. It’s just because to see them happy I decided to get married. I rang my gay friends in India and UK and told them. None of them was happy with my decision. It was a hard decision to make as I was 30 and didnt want to get my parents tortured for rest of their lives by the relatives. My bf left me after that because he didnt want my parents’ life to affect by my decision to stay with him. I decided to suppress my sexuality and to straight way and I managed quite well. I didnt see any guys in UK after engagement and kept myself busy at work all the time. After few months I got married. Spent couple of weeks with my wife in India and came over to UK. I started falling in love with that girl and thought everything is gonna be fine with my life. She came over to UK after 4 months. I changed the house for her bought everything new told everyone as wife is coming over. I was quite excited. But the very first day she came over she started fighting with me without any reason. I realised a couple of times earlier that she is very short tempered. She tends to break things at house before marriage as well and blackmail her parents by shouting at them over silly things and to satisfy her demands. The second day I got a message from my friend ( girl ) it was just “hi and how things going?” My wife read the text and started assuming that I have an affair with a girl. She started shouting at me and crying and all the melodrama over silly thing. I told her that its not an affair she is just a good friend. But she didnt agree and became voilent throwing up everything in house. She started shouting so loud that neighbours came out of the house as well. To calm her down I cut my arm several times she even didnot stop me then after heavy bleeding in my arm eventually calmed down. Was she insane? Do normal people do that? Well I knew that things were not right with her. She used to look at each and everything in house as she was suspicious of something. I deleted all the pics with my ex and removed all the evidences about me being gay. But she found a memory stick with my pics with ex. That day was hell. She opened up the window and took off the blinds so that everyone can see whats going in the house and started shouting at me, broke my laptop, broke all the crockery in the kitchen. So I admitted that I am gay but I didnt cheat on her. She didnot calm down and I thought she is gonna kill me so I had to call in the police to calm her down. I told her that I am trying to become straight and I will keep her happy for rest of her life. Anyways that calmed her down especially when she saw the police. The respect I used to give her ended up the very day. I could not get aroused as I was feeling guilty all the time. She used to force me to make love everyday if I say no then again same threats of shouting in middle of night and gathering crowd in the neighbourhood. I started hating her so much. I bear all that for 2 months but when I could not take it anymore I flew to India and thought I will commit suicide or will never return to UK as I started hating her face so much. She lived with my friends here. She told everyone in India that I am gay. I rang her and told her to come to India and we will decide what to do? I booked her tickets and she came over to India. The day when she was flying to India I booked my return flight and went back to UK. I told my parents that I cant live with that girl and even after telling my and her parents that I am gay they are still forcing me to compromise because they want to be happy. Where is my happiness? They donot care about my happiness. Even my wife is ready to come back to me. I cant take this, being a educated young girl she is ready to live with a gay husband? And her parents are telling her that all men do these kind of things in life? I donot know if I am showing immaturity here or the grown ups like my and her parents? I already made a wrong decision in my life I donot want to make another by compromising? Can anyone help me what should be done in this case? My parents are blackmailing me of their health. She told neighbours about me. My straight friends have abandoned me. My job is at risk. I have decided to break all the contacts in India for sometime let them think about these issues. Am I making the right decision?

    • vijay said

      hi ashok,

      am interested to know what happened if u dont think am being too nosy

      as am a gay man myself and was married to a woman

  30. Den Relojo said

    Discrimination and streotype are both global diseases. Being a Filipino myself, I can actually enumerate mile-long experiences about the hazards of admitting one’s homosexuality.

  31. jam1308 said

    how do you tell your doctor about me. without loosing the trust. she’s a hotty to

  32. Yesh Prabhu, Plainsboro, NJ said

    Hi Ashok,
    Your story is like a weird Hindi movie that doesn’t make much sense. In the first place, you should never have succumbed to parental pressure and married a woman. To make matters worse, she is a very manipulative woman with temper tantrums. That you cut your arm hoping to calm her down I found very shocking. It looks like not only your wife, but you too could use a psychiatrist’s help. If you wish to have peace of mind, you need to remain true to your innate nature, and not try to behave like a straight man. You are what you are, you can never be what you are not. So accept yourself, get a long over-due divorse, and after some time find a man compatible with your nature, and educational and social background. And good luck to you. It’s never too late to start over.

  33. Yesh Prabhu, Plainsboro, NJ said

    Hi Ashok,
    Your story is like a weird Hindi movie that doesn’t make much sense. In the first place, you should never have succumbed to parental pressure and married a woman. To make matters worse, she is a very manipulative woman with temper tantrums. That you cut your arm hoping to calm her down I found very shocking. It looks like not only your wife, but you too could use a psychiatrist’s help. If you wish to have peace of mind, you need to remain true to your innate nature, and not try to behave like a straight man. You are what you are, you can never be what you are not. So accept yourself, get a long over-due divorce, and after some time find a man compatible with your nature, and educational and social background. And good luck to you. It’s never too late to start over.

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  35. Suman said

    Well written…why did I notice it after so long, I must be really lazy-bone. But I agree with what you said. I’ve faced this pain of being an Indian gay. Almost every guy you talk to is “bi”- many have a “girl-friend” and flaunt it, possibly to mask the reality of their identity. Most have “become gays” coz some “gandu” did it with them…never their “fault”. I have a straight way of countering such stories- “I’m gay and it’s entirely my fault”. When will we understand someone’s sexuality is no-one’s fault, its just the way we are. My sexuality is my sexuality, its not the whole of my identity- then why the f**k do I create this labyrinth of lies for other men who are as gay as I am. Recently, a talk with a guy descended down the line Ergo here writes, I thought why not have some fun. I said -” I dont meet bi-s” and lo he switches stance- he’s gay with bi-tendencies. Yeah Baby!

  36. Himanshu said

    hi everyone,
    i am 21 yr old and live in NCR, INDIA.
    i am pretty confused about my sexuality. i like man and woman both but there ratio is pretty confusing. if i find 50 people attractive then out of it 5 are females and 45 are males.
    is that common if one is gay….?

    i feel differently for the people i like……its really confusing…..for girls its pretty different….but for boys its a sudden surge of uncontrolled emotions…feelings and some unexplanable feelings…what does thst mean….??

    can anyone help me….? does anyone know a counselor in Delhi region to help me out…at the same time keep it secret….?? please mail me at my id himanshusinghal@aol.in

  37. yet_another_hindu_infidel said

    @Ergo
    im curious. how do you tell a person is gay? or lesbo?

  38. rajvir said

    Hello Frnds
    Mera Naam Rajvir Singh, Age -25, Height – 5.9″, Weight – 75 Kg, Good Looking, Cleanshave, Weatlish Color,
    Main Punjab Ke Sehar Abohar Se Belong Karta Hoon, Main Ek Farmar Family Se Belong Rakhta Hoon,Or Main Sex Ka bahut Shakueen Hoon,
    Mujhe Moti(Fat/Over Weight) Ladkiyon Ka Bahut Shaukeen Hoon, Waise Main Ladkyion Ki Tarah Dikhane Wale Ladkon(Gay) Ko Bhi Chod Deta Hoon Mera Ghar Ke Agge Se Ek badi Sadak Niklti Hai Or
    Us Paar Kafi Sare Tution Center Hain Sham Ke Time Par Tution Jane Wale Students Ki Bheed Lag Jati hai, Or Bahut Si Ladkiyan Or Ladke Guzarte Hain,
    Main Sham Ko Apne Ghar Ka Bahar Chair Dal Ke Baith Jata Hoon Or Janat Ka Mazza Leta Hoon, Ladkiyon Ke Pichhe Aane Wale ya Apni Behan Ko Choddne Aane Wale Bahut Se Ladke
    Mere Pass Ankhon Ko Seken Ke Liye Ruk Jate Hain,Is Liye Meri Jaan Pechaan Bahut Ho Gayi Hai,
    Or Un Sab Ko Pata Hai Ke Main Akeyla Rehta Hoon.Wo Har Tarah Ki Baat Kar Lete Hain,
    Main Yahan Sehar Main Akelya Rehta Hoon, Baki Family Gaon Main Rehti Hai,
    Mere Pass Aakar Kai Baar Mere Dvd Ya Laptop Par Blue Movie Dekh Lete Hain,
    Ek Din Hum Kareeb 10 -12 Log Ek Movie Dekhi Jis Main Ek Adami Ka Lund Kafi Lamba Or Mota Tha
    Yeh Dekh Kar Sab Baahas Karane Lage Ki Yeh Naqali Hai, Tabhi
    Ek Ladka Bola Ki Sab Apne Apne Lun Nikal Kar Dikho, Sab Tayar Ho Gaye,Sab Ek Ek Kar Apna Lund Dikhane Lage,
    Sabhi Ke Lund 6 Ya 6.5 Inch Se Or Zayda Mote Nahin The Jab Meri Bari Ayai To Maine
    Apni Paint Puri Utaar Di Maine Ek Short T- Shirt Pehani Thi Or Jab Pant Utari To Maine Playboy
    Ki White Frenchie Pehni Thi Jo Kafi Choti Or Sexy Thi , Sab Mujhe Ajeeb Tarah Dekane Lage Or
    Bole Tum To Yar Bahut Smart Lag Rahe Mera Lund Khada Tha Or Frenchie Fulli Hui Thi Jab Main Frenchie Utari,
    To Sab Dang Reh Gaye Mera Lund 8.5 inch Lamba Or 3 Inch Mota Hai, Mujhe Bhi Pehali Baar Pata Laga Ki
    Mera Lund Itna Bada Hai Main Soch Tha Ki Sab Ke Lun Ek Hi Size Ke Hote Honge Wo Sab Mera Lund Pakad
    kar Dekh Rahe The Or Keh rahe The Ki Yar Tum To Sachmuch Kamal Ho , Jis Ladki Ko Chodo Gaye Usko
    Pura Mazza Doge, Uske Baad Sab Ko Pata Chal Gaya Ki Lun Bahut Bada Hai 2-3 Baar To Compition Bhi Hua
    Or Main Har Baar Jeet Gaya, Un Main Ek Ladka Puneet Tha Jo Bilkul Ladki Hi Lagta Tha Wo Jis Din Se Mera Lun
    Maine Sabhi Ko Dikhaya Tha, Us Din Se Wo Bahut Jayad Mere Paas Aane Laga Or Meri Tarrif Karta Or Baar Baar
    Hath Lagta, Mujhe Mazza Atta Or Puchta Ki Mujhe Sex Karne Ke waqt Kya Pasand Hai,
    To Maine Usse Batya Ki Mujhe Sex Ke Wqat Sexy Bra Or Panty Pehani Ladki Pasand Hai, Or Main Ladkiyon Ki
    Kacchi(Panty) Ke Alag Alag Color Ka Diwana Hoon Mujhe Ladkiyon Ki Panty Dekhne Ka Bahut Craze Hai…..!!
    Mujhe Ladkiyon Ki Panty Ke Color Madhosh kar Dete Hain Red,Blue,Navy,Black,Cherry,Brown,Ferozi,Green To Oh My God Too Much Yar
    Kar Wo Mere Ghar Se Thodi Dur Hi Rehta Tha, Uske Mummy Papa Kisi Bank Main Job
    Karte The Or Uski Didi School Main Teacher Thi Wo Bahut Moti Thi,Sab Job Pe Hone Ke Wajah Se Subah 9 Se Lekar 3 baje Tak
    Uska Ghar Pe Koi Nahin Hota Tha, Ek Din Puneet Mujhe10 BajeApne Ghar La Gaya Or Apne
    Dvd Pe Blue Film Lagkar Mere Pass Bed Pe Baith Gaya Or Dhirre Mere Lun Ko Pant Ke Uappar Se Sehalne Laga
    Mera Bhi Blue Flim Dekhane Ki Wajah Se Lund Khada Ho Gaya Or Uske Sahlane Se Mazza Aane Laga,
    Wo Achank Bola Ki Bhayia Mainne Aap Ko Frenchie Main Dekhana Hai Or Aap Ke Lund Se Khelana Hai,
    Maine Use Mana Kar Diya To Wo Bola Ki Main Aap Ko Wo Dikha Sakta Hoon Jo Aap Apne Ghar Ki Chaat Par Khade Ho Kar
    Ladkyion Ke P.G Main Dekh Kar Muth Marte Ho, Mere Ghar Ke Bilkul Sath Hi Ladkiyon Ka P.G Hai Or Main Chaat Pe Khada Ho Ke
    Ladkiyon Ki Panty Jo Ki Wo Sukhane Ke Le Dalti Hain Dekh Kar Muth Marta Hoon Es Baat Ka Usse Pata Tha Or Maine Usse Batai Thi,
    Maine Kaha Kaise? To Wo Bola Pehele Promise Karo Ki Tum Frenchie Main Rehoge Or Apne Lun Se Khelne Doge, Meri Kamzori Usne Pakad Li
    Or Main Ladki Ki Panty Ke Liye Kuch Bhi Kar Sakta Tha , Maine Apne Kapde Uske Samane Utar Diye,
    Main Black Frenchie Main Khada Tha Jis Main Mera Lun Usko Phadane Ke Liye Pagal Ho Raha Tha,
    Wo Mujhe Aise Dekh Kar Kush Ho Gaya Or Kehane Laga Ki Bahut Smart Ho Yar, Or Meri Body Kiss Karane Laga, Main Madhosh
    Ho Gaya, Usne Meri Chaddi main Hath Dala Or Sahalne Laga , Maine Uska Hath Pakad Or Bola Ki Aab Apna Promise Pura kar,
    Usne Mera Lun Pakada Or Dusre Room Main La Ga, Main Hill Gaya Dusre Room Main Poore Bed Par Panties-2 Hi Thi
    Red,Blue,Navy,Black,Cherry,Brown,Ferozi,Green To Oh My God Too Much, Yar Yeh Sab Uski Didi Ki Panties Thi,
    Main Kush Ho Gaya Wo Bola Batao Kaun Si Panty Daalon Tan Ki Tum Mujhe Chod Sakko Maine Use Cherry Panty Di Wo Bathroom
    Main Gaya Or White Bra Or Cherry Panty Dal Ke Aa Wo Qayamt Lag Raha Tha Jaise Ek Ladki Ho…
    Maine Use Pakada Or Apni Taraf Kinch Liya Or Smooch Karane laga Wo Bhi Apni Tounge Mere Muuh Main Ghumane Laga
    Maine Uske Face Pe Neck Pe Baglon Main Apni Tounge Se Rub Kiya Uski Body Pe Baal Bahut Kaam The,
    Maine Uski Bra Utar Kar Zor Zor Se Boobs Ko Suck Kiya Wo Sisikiyan Le Raha Tha or Mera Face Pakad Ke Utha Raha Tha Mat Karo,
    Phir Maine Apni Frenchie Utari or Bed Ki Side Pe Legs Niche Karke Baith Gaya, Wo Floor Pe Knees Bend karke Baith Gaya Mera Lun
    Uske Muuh Main Tha or Wo usko Icecream Ki Tarah Apni Tounge se Chaat Raha Tah, Kabhi Muuh Main leke Zor Zor Se Age Pichhe
    Karta Mera Lund Ab Lohe Ki rod Ki Tarah Tha Main Uske Muuh Main Se Lun Nikla Or UsKo Utha Ke Bed Pe Dala Maine Ladki Ki Tarah
    Uski Legs Uthai Par Lund Sahi Postion Pe Nahin Aa Raha Tha , Maine Use Niche Utarne Ko Kaha Or Computer Table pe Hatha Rakh Kar Ghodi Banane Ko Kaha
    Wo Ban Gaya Uski Gand Uppar Ko Uth GayI Maine Bathroom Se Tail Le Kar Uski Gand Main Or Apne Lund Pa Laga Ke Lund Ko Uski Gand Ke
    Ched Pe Rakh Kar Zor Se Dhakka Mara Uski Bund Ka Ched Kafi Khulla Tha , Lekin Mere Lund Ki Lambai Jo ki 8.5 inch or Motai Jo 3 inch Thi Jayada
    Thi Or Uski Cheek Si Nikal GayI Or Bola Yar Dhiree Tera Bahut Bada Hai Maine Kabhi Itna Bada Lun Liya Nahin Hai, Uski Aankhon Se Aanso Beh Rehe The Jo
    ki Face Ghumane Pe Dikhte The, Main Ek Horse Rider Ki Tarh Uski Gand Pe Sawar HoGgaya Tha Or Kabhi Tez Or Kabhi Dhire-2 Stroke Lagta , Uski Phat Rahi Thi
    Wo Niche Se Nikalne Koshish Kar Raha Tha Par Meri Jabardast Pakad Se Wo Nikal Nahin Pa Raha Tha,Karib 10 Min Baad Mere Lund Main Utazana Huai
    Maine Zor Zor Se Uski Gand Main Dhakke Mare Or Jab Viraya Ka Fawaara Nikalne Wala Tha To Maine Uski Gand Main Se Lund Nikal Ke Uski Didi Panty Par Bikhra Diya
    Uski Didi Ek Balck Panty To Puri Bhig Gayi Thi, Maine Dusri Panties Ko Uthaya Or Jahan Uski Didi Ki Fuddi Lagti Thi Wahan Par Apna Lund Ragad Ragad Ke Saaf Kiya
    Us Din Puneet Ko 3 Baar Alag Alag Rang Ki Panty Dalva Ke Choda, Aab Wo Kai Baar Mujhse Chud Chuka Hai Or Ek Din Maine Uski Behaan Bhi Chodi …Kaise Yeh Main Next Story Maine Bataunga……………!!!!

  39. Chris said

    I am only half-Indian, but I find some of this “analysis” a bit troubling. I am an openly gay man, and I live abroad, in America. I have never fully understood my Indian brothers’ inability or unwillingness to accept the gay men amongst them unless those same gays were willing to cross-dress or otherwise further stigmatize themselves in the name of tradition. I have a very close Indian friend who knows about me, and I’m sure he knows how much I care about him. It has always been frustrating and saddening to me that he can express affection toward me only in some sort of joking context, or in (sometimes not so) subtle touching. I have often wished that he too had grown u in America, where I do not have to pretend that I feel like a woman in order to love another man. I’ve never felt “trapped” in my body; I am quite happy to be a guy, I just happen to be one that likes to be with other guys. I’ve always wished that I better understood this matter, because I don’t like going to India (except maybe Goa) because I’m expected to play the same sort of role, and won’t do so. And it’s very disappointing that I cannot find other Indian men who share my point of view, because I find it hard to believe that these guys can be happy pretending to be something they aren’t. Nitin and Suman both said a few things I can relate to, but I would welcome hearing some other points of view and any sugestions on how to develop a dialogue on this particular issue. Thanks and best to you all.

  40. Wow. This blog is amazing. Its not only interesting but also enlightening. I have not come across such an interesting article for a long time. I m happy to know that good writers like you still exist. Congratulation on your amazing work.

  41. khan said

    i wanna new boys to make friendship

  42. rasikaa said

    I am an Indian gay (absolutely 100% bottom) staying in Bangalore (India). For the first time i was introduced to this blog by my friend. I found these discussions very meaningful and matured. I am
    now 46 and realized my deep liking for manly men since my childhood
    and have remained unmarried.Even to day i am in search of my MAN in
    India. But my quest is not yet fulfilled!! I am highly qualified, cultured,gifted with many talents in arts, sciences and many more.
    Especially in the area of culture and classical learning i am well
    established. In one way this reputation of mine it self has become
    a hurdle to lead a life of my choice. Of course, i am too timid to declare my orientation publicly for, my social-cultural-professional life will be challenged by doing so. But i am honest, caring, friendly,good looking, jovial, strikingly intellectual and truly spiritual. Now the internal turmoil in me
    is settling down and i am ready to have a holistic(both spiritual and sensual)and meaningful longtime/short time relationship with suitable a gay top in my city. But my friend
    (an Indian gay settled in Europe)says that this wish of mine is very difficult to fulfill in India. Some how i still feel that it is possible as a low key operation here it self. Any how i have to be optimistic! It is really difficult in India to lead a decent gay-life, especially for a person like me, who is active in many cultural,literary,academic and social forums and having
    a truly meaningful traditional/spiritual/classical/artistic background. but i have hopes for, i am very open, sharply intellectual, objective and unbiased with respect to various
    social, cultural, and religious orientations. Even in India changes are coming fast. The situation of Indian gays at the time when this blog was posted(mid of 2007)is not the same now(pls refer to the Delhi High Court verdict). Changes and reformations in religious, social and cultural sectors cannot be expected to go fast as in the fields of science, technology and economy….But we should neither be judgmental nor pessimistic.
    To know more about me the interested can contact gaydia. we can further discuss such issues personally over mails too. Any how, one thing is true, In India gay-ism is still in its basal level.
    More mature, tender, meaningful,faithful,lasting values are not
    respected or to say as per my little dismaying experience,altogether unthought!I may be too harsh but my experience through various gay cites is this…exceptions are always noticed; but they again prove the rule. Still i am hopeful of finding my MAN….can any body sincerely help me out?

  43. alexander said

    hi i am alex from chennai i am ready to join but i have one condition i don’t like to show my face, can i use mask reply me

  44. […] Abhay Kumar Steals Credit to Atlas Shrugged Video Contest EntryRichard Dawkins is not an AtheistBeing Gay in IndiaMen, Women, and BreastsDissecting the Gay Indian MaleDissecting the Indian MalePoverty and […]

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  47. Rohan said

    Hey dude I completely agree with u!!! I’m also not planning to stay in d country for long!! I’m everything u mentioned above besides being an
    Atheist !!! I do believe in god!!! I know that he loves us all no matter gay straight or bi…. I believ that soo time and people will change all around the country and world such that they will not think of us as social freaks at all!!!

  48. Rohan said

    HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOW LEGAL IN INDIA!!!!
    yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  49. XYZ said

    @Rohan
    What is your full name.?

  50. Rajan said

    …. Hi im from GOa my name is Rajan.
    It was hard to think how indian gays make their living in the country…???

  51. romeo said

    I found this blog awesomely true. I have never dated a gay guy until a few months ago which was strange cause the people I met where married n were only looking for sex. Which saddens me n I have no idea what to do now my sister knows my sexuality n is ok with it I m always wondering if open minded gay indians exist or are they part of the two category mentioned. “decent” is what I m longing for everyone I meet seems to be either married or sex starved. I do find the blog so interesting n its true people can’t even make out how gay people can hide themselves in this crowd. I just wished there was a decent place to meet the open minded gays in india who are interested n believe in relationships.

  52. Vanes said

    They agould hide all gays in the usa too

  53. Deepak Jha said

    hi dear my name is deepak jha i m interested in boys pls call me for fun 9654100601

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